im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
