I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
