You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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