So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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