When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
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