I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I need water and some morals
Randomize
