why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
