last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
