my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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