Are we in a gay sports bar?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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