I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
