bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
