Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
