I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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