On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
