I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
