took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
