Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
