oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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