oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
