EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
