If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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