I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
