frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize