just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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