I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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