I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
