Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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