i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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