Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I didn't notice because vodka
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
True strength comes from lack of pants
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics â¤ï¸
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
