I'm eating all of the evidence.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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