The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
