my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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