Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize