I look better un-naked...
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
