next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize