Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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