I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
