Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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