So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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