Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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