the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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