I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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