The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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