see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
