if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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