This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
