Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
