I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
