The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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