did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I'm really busy with my period
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