So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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