It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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