Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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