i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
