ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
