Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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