the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
