I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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