Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
