You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
